


Replacement

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24762658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: this is really, super angsty and just really sadwarnings ! : Death
Relationships: Ichinose Tokiya / Kurosaki Ranmaru
Kudos: 8





	Replacement

Tokiya hadn’t been alright in over a year. 

He lost Ranmaru after less than a year of being married. Ranmaru had gotten really sick, and after nearly three months of trying to fight through it, he had lost. Tokiya had been there with him nearly every minute of every day, but when he passed, it had been the middle of the night. 

Tokiya wasn’t there, and he wasn’t likely to ever forgive himself for that. 

Tokiya stopped living when Ranmaru did. He hardly ever ate, or left his home. His home wasn’t necessarily _messy_ , because he never left his bed to make a mess. He knew he looked sick and unhealthy- and he can’t imagine that it would have gotten this bad if he were still in STARISH, because the boys would never have let him do this. Unfortunately, none of the boys lived near Tokiya, and while they had all come to the funeral, they couldn’t stay, of course. And while more than one of the boys had told Tokiya to take care of himself, and checked up on him over the phone, as well, they hadn’t taken any active measures at the funeral, because Ranmaru’s death was still so fresh. 

All of this together was what convinced Tokiya to make a questionable decision- because he had gotten a strange message. It was an ad. Supposedly, they could recreate _people_ , which sounded completely illegal, but it still caught Tokiya’s attention. When Tokiya applies for it, he wonders why he’s doing this to himself. 

Even if they could have _possibly_ recreated Ranmaru, which was unbelievable in itself, what would that entitle? Was it even right of him to try? But even pretending that he has a chance to see Ranmaru again makes him fill out the forms. 

And then, almost a month later, the doorbell rings. 

Tokiya makes his way up to the door, not bothering to look at who it is. He was really just planning to tell them to leave and then to climb back into bed, but when he opens the door and sees _Ranmaru_ he’d be frozen. 

Ranmaru looks uncertain, one hand holding onto his elbow. There’s no one with him, but there is a car driving down the street- presumably the one that had dropped Ranmaru off. Tokiya’s tears start before he even realizes he’s crying, his throat closing up. He would be sobbing, but he’s too shocked to see Ranmaru to snap out of it. 

“...Tokiya?” Ranmaru sounds genuinely questioning, but the nervous expression hasn’t left his face. Tokiya can immediately tell that there’s something off- but it’s _Ranmaru_. 

Tokiya breaks, rushing forward to throw his arms around Ranmaru, finally starting to sob. Ranmaru’s arms slowly wrap around Tokiya, hesitantly rubbing his back. If Tokiya could have seen his expression, he’d notice that he seems _sad_. 

Tokiya stands on his porch, crying into Ranmaru’s shoulder for a long few minutes. Ranmaru doesn’t speak again, just holding onto Tokiya tightly. Even when Tokiya stops crying, he stays pressed against Ranmaru, sniffling. 

“I… Will you come in?” Tokiya’s voice breaks. Tokiya forces himself to pull away from Ranmaru, who nods, and Tokiya backs into the house, almost afraid to look away from Ranmaru, worried that he’s going to disappear if Tokiya looks away. Ranmaru’s expression is still sad. 

Ranmaru closes the door behind him, and Tokiya just watches him for a long moment. Tokiya finally speaks, his voice shaking. “Is this a dream?”

“...It would be a little happier if it was.” Ranmaru _sounds_ like Ranmaru- but there’s something too _off_. “I’m still not him.” Ranmaru’s voice is soft. “I’m sorry, Tokiya.”

Tokiya needs to sit, but he can’t move to the couch. He just drops, sitting down on the floor. Ranmaru moves, to kneel on the floor in front of Tokiya, but he looks guilty. Tokiya’s voice is nearly inaudible. It’s weak. “What are you?”

“I’m not totally sure.” Ranmaru admits. “I know I’m not really a person, but I don’t really know what I am, either. I’m moldable, Tokiya, for _you_. I can’t take your husband’s memories, and I can’t _be_ your husband, because I’ve never met him.”

“Moldable?”

“I’m going to act how you ask me to act.” Ranmaru’s voice is gentle. “Whatever you need from me.” Ranmaru’s hands tighten against his jeans, trying to figure out if he should say what he’s thinking, and in the end, he does. “All I know is that I love you.” The vulnerable expression on his face sends a genuine ache through Tokiya’s chest. “And that I want to make you happy. I'm not expecting anything from you, but I think that's something you should know.”

Tokiya curls his fingers into his palms and presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. “This is too much- I… I’m sorry, I need to lie down.” Tokiya nearly stumbles, trying to raise to his feet, escaping to his room. He feels Ranmaru watching him, and can almost picture the lost expression on Ranmaru’s face as he closes the door. 

Tokiya cries himself to sleep, and when he wakes up, he wonders if Ranmaru is still in the living room. He feels horrible, just leaving him. If anything that Ranmaru told him was true- Tokiya was horrible. 

Ranmaru was likely confused at best and scared at worst, and Tokiya had just _left him_. And if he really weren’t human, it was Tokiya’s fault he was made in the first place. Tokiya waits until he’s done crying to go wash his face off and to go into the living room. Ranmaru is asleep on the couch. 

Tokiya has so many thoughts going through his head. Everything in him wishes that Ranmaru would wake up, and that it would be _his_ Ranmaru. Tokiya can’t help but wonder if he’s made it worse.

Tokiya doesn’t think he has any right to _train_ this man to be Ranmaru. He doesn’t think it’s fair to this man, and he doesn’t think it’s fair to Ranmaru. Tokiya can already imagine how disappointed Ranmaru would be in how broken Tokiya had become after his death. Tokiya doesn’t want to replace Ranmaru. But isn’t that what he’s doing?

Selfishly, Tokiya wishes he could do this. He’s never going to have Ranmaru back. He’s never going to have Ranmaru care for him, and he isn’t ever going to be able to care for Ranmaru. Ranmaru was his one and only. But this man _looks_ like Ranmaru, and sounds like him- and if he _acted_ like Ranmaru... and this man _did_ say that he loved Tokiya. It was likely fake- maybe programmed? But he believed it. And looking at him, lying on the couch, the far too familiar, peaceful, sleeping expression on his face… Tokiya loves him. 

Tokiya takes in a shaky breath. He’s going to have to talk this out, and he’s going to have to do it today. 

Tokiya doesn’t feel like he can be happy, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be. Wrong or not, he thinks that he actually could be happy. But he also can’t bring himself to take away this man’s free will. He has no right to do that.

Tokiya heads into the kitchen, but he’s quickly reminded that he has no food in his kitchen. He moves to sit down at a stool at his counter, and he’s embarrassed to realize that he’s already tired, from the simple travel between his room to the kitchen. Tokiya, after a long moment, actually decides to go get changed. He hadn't worn anything but sleep clothes in a very long time. He stands, planning to go back to his room, but Ranmaru has woken up and intercepts him. 

“You could have woken me up.” Ranmaru’s voice is still gentle. Careful. Tokiya’s face twists, guilty. He normally didn’t have _open_ expressions, but he had really gained them with Ranmaru. He supposes that the habit never died. He had to make his face easy to read, because he never seemed to be able to communicate his true feelings without a push. This Ranmaru uses that opportunity. “What’s wrong?”

“We… we have to talk.” Tokiya swallows. “And it’s going to be a serious discussion, I think. I was just… going to get changed, because I think it might be easier.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“I know I look terrible. I don’t want that to influence anything you tell me today.”

Ranmaru’s face changes again, and while there is a faint layer of guilt, there’s an expression that Tokiya can only describe with the word _heartbroken_. “There’s no way it’s not going to. I can only imagine what you’re gonna talk to me about, but the way you take care of yourself isn’t something I can just ignore.”

“We… can talk about that when we get there.” Tokiya glances away from Ranmaru. “But… well… while I’m on the topic- If you’re hungry, I can order something for you. I don’t have anything in the house.”

Something seems to strike Ranmaru, and an uncomfortable look crosses his face. “When you say you don’t have anything- are you talking about _breakfast_ food, or do you mean _nothing_?”

Tokiya frowns. “Nothing. I just- don’t…” Tokiya looks away. “When we talk, I don’t want these things making you feel _responsible_. I… I lost him a year ago. I’m still alive. I’m not doing _that_ poorly.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a long moment, but there’s a very obviously disbelieving look on his face. “Well...” There’s a frown on his face. “Why don’t you get dressed and we can go out to go eat breakfast? It might be good for you, to get out.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“When was the last time you left?” Tokiya’s silence is enough of an answer. “It’s not good to never leave your house. I think we should go out.”

“Alright.” Tokiya had given in much quicker than he normally would have- but it was hard to say no to Ranmaru. Especially right now. 

Tokiya gets changed into clothes that are extremely loose. It was warm outside, but he still wears one of Ranmaru’s old, long sleeved sweatshirts. Tokiya very rarely wore his own clothes anymore. Ranmaru is looking at old pictures, from the few that Tokiya had put up, when Tokiya walks back out, and there’s an unreadable expression on Ranmaru’s face. Tokiya just waits for him, rather than interrupt him, until Ranmaru finally turns around. “You ready?” Ranmaru approaches him when he nods. “Is there anywhere you like going?”

“I don’t really remember. I haven’t eaten out at a restaurant in over a year. I order food from some, but never breakfast.”

“I’d offer some suggestions, but I don’t know the area. We could look something up.”

“I’d have to charge my phone.” Tokiya rubs at the back of his neck. “It’s dead right now.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “Did you forget to charge it last night?”

“...I don’t typically tend to charge it. It’s normally dead.”

Ranmaru’s expression becomes almost alarmed for a moment, and then he frowns. “And what would you do if something happened?” Tokiya’s expression must hit something in Ranmaru, because his voice turns almost stern. “I don’t want you lying to me.”

Between his words, tone and expression, Tokiya finds that he _can’t_ lie to him. This man’s speech pattern was too different, but that one specific sentence could have come straight from Ranmaru himself. “If anything happened, I wouldn’t call for help. Even if my phone weren’t dead.”

Ranmaru sighs. “Let’s just get your phone charged for now. We could probably find somewhere if we just walk around near here.”

Tokiya hesitates, and he’d look away. “Maybe we should just order something in. We could go out for dinner, maybe.” Ranmaru stares at him closely, and Tokiya frowns. “I don’t think I’m going to be able walk very far. I’m already a bit tired. Later, when my phone is charged, I could at least call us a car.”

“Alright.” Ranmaru gives in quickly. “Why don’t you go sit on the couch? I can just grab your charger and bring it out here.”

Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, but he really is exhausted. In the end, he nods. Ranmaru doesn’t touch him, but the way he hovers over Tokiya to make sure that he gets on the couch alright sends a lot of emotions coursing through Tokiya. Ranmaru spoke differently, but Tokiya had a feeling that if this man really wanted to act like Ranmaru- he was already getting there. 

Tokiya thinks he may know why. He had given a short description of Ranmaru, and a very short video. He wasn’t sure about doing it- but if he had convinced himself to ask for a replica of Ranmaru, he was certainly desperate enough to stoop to those measures. Tokiya knows that’s how they got the appearance and the lilt of his voice correct. Tokiya can see that this man had quickly picked up on Ranmaru’s protective nature over Tokiya. 

“My charger is on the left side of the bed.” Tokiya says quietly, sitting on the edge of the couch. He knew that there was an outlet near him here. “Thank you.” Ranmaru nods, heading into the bedroom. He’d be back a moment later, but he’s frowning when he returns. The only truly dirty room in the house was the bedroom, but that fact had escaped Tokiya when he had let Ranmaru enter it. Ranmaru doesn’t say anything about it, choosing to plug the charger into the wall. He had already connected Tokiya’s phone to it. 

Ranmaru sits down on the couch, though for Tokiya’s sake, he sits on the other end. Tokiya can tell that he’d like to sit closer. He doesn’t like the expression in Ranmaru’s eyes, looking at him. “Do you want to talk after we’ve gotten the food?”

“I think that’d be best.” Tokiya powers on his phone. He notices a few messages from the boys and a few missed calls, but he tries not to dwell on them. He opens a food delivery app. “Is there anything that sounds good to you?” 

“Whatever sounds good to you.”

Tokiya sighs, but he’d look. He’d choose a place that he orders from often- though admittedly right now he isn’t hungry. He doesn’t eat very much anymore. He tries to pass the phone to Ranmaru, but Ranmaru takes one look at the screen, and hands it back. “You order first.” Ranmaru watches his face closely, and cuts Tokiya off when Tokiya tries to protest. “At least order _something_. Even if it’s small. I know it’s at least been a day since you’ve eaten.”

It doesn’t keep Tokiya from wanting to argue, but he’d take the phone silently. He ends up ordering something small, and while Ranmaru doesn’t seem thrilled that Tokiya has only ordered a side dish, he lets it slip. He orders himself a meal. “If you’re still hungry you can have some of mine.”

Tokiya’s chest constricts, and he has to look away, blinking back tears. He isn’t sure why something so small had gotten him- but it had. Tokiya just barely manages to catch Ranmaru pulling a card from his pocket, and then moves to try to stop him. “It’s fine. You can just use the card on file. I… I was an idol. I still have plenty of money.”

Ranmaru looks up, almost a bit conflicted. Tokiya’s eyes are just a bit too wide, but finally, Ranmaru sighs, pocketing the card and ordering the food. Tokiya plugs it back in when he’s done.

While they wait, Ranmaru suggests turning on the TV, and Tokiya nods. Tokiya doesn’t really focus on what Ranmaru puts on, but he isn’t sure that Ranmaru’s really paying attention to it either. Finally, the doorbell rings, and Ranmaru is up before Tokiya can even really process it. Ranmaru comes back carrying a bag. Tokiya would have suggested eating at the table, but he didn’t really want to move. Ranmaru doesn’t seem eager to move him, either. He’d just hand Tokiya his food on the couch. 

Tokiya notices that Ranmaru is eating slowly, and when Ranmaru does stop eating, he’s left some food on his plate. Ranmaru watches Tokiya just as much as Tokiya watches Ranmaru. Tokiya almost finishes the side he ordered, but he’d put down the rest, not able to eat anymore. When Tokiya has clearly finished, Ranmaru finishes what’s left on his plate. With another ache in his chest, he realizes that Ranmaru was waiting to see if Tokiya was still hungry. Tokiya had originally assumed that Ranmaru was just full. 

Ranmaru finally sets down the trash from his food. “I’ll take care of that in a minute. We should talk.” Ranmaru turns on the couch, so that he’s facing Tokiya. His expression is serious. 

Tokiya nods, almost numbly, and he closes his eyes. “Before we speak about anything else, I need to ask you if you even really want this.” Tokiya can’t bring himself to open his eyes. It’s hard enough to stop his voice from trembling. “You’ve been told that this is what you were going to be. Obviously, you were made for me- because you look like Ranmaru. You were obviously told that you’d be… trained… to be like him. You told me you weren’t human.” Tokiya opens his eyes, and there’s pain in them. “But you’re clearly a living, thinking, sentient being. You’re a person- moldable or not. Human or not. You can have a life. I think it might be best if you do. You don’t have to stay here. And I know that you’ve seen how I’m living, but I really, really don’t want that to influence anything. I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay, because this is what you’re supposed to do. I don’t… I want your decision to be about _you_. I don’t want you to think about me while you make it.”

“This isn’t even a decision.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds gruff. “I really don’t know much. Hell, I told you exactly what I do know yesterday. I want you to be happy, and I love you. It doesn’t even feel like a question. And I get that this is all that I know, and that I really haven’t been… alive, for very long- but I don’t really care that it’s all I know. I know _of_ the world, and I can’t think of anything or anywhere that I’d rather be. Honestly, if I left, I don’t know that I could stop thinking about you.” Ranmaru rubs his eyes, sighing. “But if you’re asking me to leave because you can’t handle me being here, I will. I’ve never experienced grief, Tokiya. I know you asked for me- but I also know that I’m a spitting image of your dead husband. If this is too much… I’m not going to stay and make you miserable. If I can help you, I want to do that. More than anything.”

“Selfishly, I want you here.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. He’s already started to cry. “I can’t ever get _Ranmaru_ back- but I miss him. But I’m afraid that if I ask you to stay, that it’s going to seem like I’m trying to replace him. I’m afraid that he would be disappointed in me for doing this. But it’s _hard_.” Tokiya breaks down into sobs. “I feel like I lost part of myself when I lost him. He was my perfect match, and I’ve never loved anyone in the way that I loved him. When he died, I wasn’t there. I’d rather it were me. I feel like I died with him. But I have to wonder what he’d really want, because if I ask you to leave… I don’t think I’m ever going to manage to get over him. It’s been a year, and I haven’t gotten close. But I’m just… not sure what to do. I know Ranmaru would want me to be happy, but I… I’m sorry. I want you to stay. I know I shouldn’t.”

“There might have been a better way to do this.” Ranmaru agrees, his voice grim. “And I can’t tell you what he would think, or what he’d want. I… I want to be here for you, but I’m not trying to replace him. Even if I become exactly like him, I’m not him. I know that. But if I can help you, and I can try to make you happy. ...I want to. This isn’t really the same, as finding someone new- but it’s… in the same ballpark, I think. I… wish I had better things to tell you. I’m sorry, Tokiya. But I don’t want to leave. And if you don’t want me to leave, then I’d like to stay.”

“...I… if you’re going to stay.” Tokiya swallows hard. “Would you mind if I referred to you as Maru?” Maru was a nickname that Tokiya really only used if he were _really_ trying to convince Ranmaru on something, or if Ranmaru were sick. He used it a lot towards the end. But the only other nickname he had for Ranmaru was Ran, but that was all that Tokiya ever called Ranmaru. Maru was still painful- but just a bit easier. 

Ranmaru, or Maru, would have nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Are you sure you really want to learn to be like Ranmaru?” Tokiya shifts, unsure. “If you want to become your own person, you can do that.”

“If you’re uncomfortable with it, I can figure it out.” Maru rubs the back of his neck. “But I did sort of assume that I’d be learning how to be him. I’d like to figure out how to help you- and I hate to say it, but I think that it would be a lot easier, if I knew how Ranmaru helped you. But like I said-” Maru’s voice gets a bit gruffer. “I don’t want you to be miserable. If I’m making things worse, I’d like it if you’d tell me.”

“It’s strange. I think… I think it may be too strange if you were to act entirely different, because everything else is… Ranmaru. Your looks, your voice- and… if I’m honest… I don’t think I’d ever have found another partner. I think Ranmaru was it because he was… Ranmaru. But-” Tokiya’s voice raises, panicked. “I know I keep saying this, but you’re a _person_. It just seems… weird. To force you to be like Ranmaru.”

Maru’s smile seems empty. “Tokiya, you asked for a replica of your husband. If they had more information, I would have come to you already acting exactly like him. Because they couldn’t do _that_ , I came prepared to act like him. I’m designed to pick up on how he acts quickly.” Maru’s smile drops, and it turns into a frown, and he leans forward, looking at Tokiya’s face closely. “I want you to tell me exactly what you want. Don’t worry how it sounds, and don’t worry if you feel like it’s selfish.”

“That feels like you’re just asking me to ignore your feelings.”

Maru’s face does soften, just a bit, but there is still a sense of underlying frustration. “I guess I am. But that’s because you’re either not listening to my feelings, or you’re not believing me. I want you happy, Tokiya. Tell me how I can try.” 

Tokiya has to close his eyes. He lowers his head, his hands over his eyes, but he’s careful to not cover his mouth. He takes a deep breath, and lets it out just as slowly. “I want you to be like Ranmaru. I want you to care for me like him- and I want to act like things aren’t fucked up.” Tokiya’s crying is coming harder, his shoulder shaking with his cries and his words only just comprehensible. “I know you’re not him, and I know I can’t have him back, but I want to pretend. But I don’t want to use you to do that!” Tokiya’s voice turns into a whimper, not of his own accord. “I just want to pretend like everything is normal. Like I haven’t lost everything.”

Maru’s expression is hard to read. Somber. Sad. His voice is strained. “Then let yourself. Maybe this isn’t right. It’s definitely not normal. But what you’re asking for is what I want to give you. I can’t tell you what Ranmaru would think about any of this, but I can at least tell you that you’re not _using me_. This is what I want to do.”

Maru is careful when he reaches out, but he does, and when Tokiya doesn’t move from his hand, he squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder. Tokiya can tell that he wants to do more, but he’s holding himself back. Tokiya is hesitant, but he moves closer, and he leans in. What starts as a hug turns more into Maru holding Tokiya, but Tokiya ends up clinging to him and Maru holds him tightly. 

“...If you’re really alright, trying to learn what Ranmaru was like… how? I’m… I’m not sure just how we’d even start.” 

Tokiya genuinely doesn’t know if this is right. It’s strange. But there’s too much of him that wants this. Even if Maru wasn’t Ranmaru- even if Tokiya couldn’t really pretend that he was… Tokiya would never get any closer than this. This was the only way he would ever get any part of Ranmaru back. The only way he’d ever get to spend more time with his husband. And Maru wasn’t helping- because he kept saying that he _wanted_ this. And when Tokiya was already so torn, it was so hard to tell him not to do this. 

And Tokiya’s guilt didn’t help. When Maru looked at him, and spoke with such sincerity- how could Tokiya force him to leave? Or force him to agree with Tokiya?

Whether Tokiya felt comfortable admitting it or not, he was almost trying to force Maru into changing his mind about the situation. Tokiya was telling him what he should be and what he should be doing.

“If you can talk about him, tell me what he was like. Or if you’ve got videos, or if he gave you things like letters. Anything that shows me what he was like.”

Tokiya swallows hard, but he can’t pull himself away from Maru. Maru’s grip hadn’t loosened, either. “He was a rocker.” There’s a very, very small, distant smile. “He definitely seemed like a really tough guy. Gruff, and to the point. He was fairly aggressive, and had a very rough way of speaking- but he was also very kind, thoughtful and smart- especially with me. He was… really soft with me a lot. I think that the only thing he loved more than me was his bass. He was very, very protective, and passionate, and he really didn’t take any bullshit.” Tokiya gives a very weak laugh. “He’d kill me, seeing how I am right now. I won quite a few of our standoffs, because I’m… extremely stubborn- but if he thought I was doing something… dangerous or stupid, like this, he’d never let me.” Tokiya’s voice has turned almost a bit flat, his expression turning somber. “I’m a very difficult person. To get along with. To like. To love. I don’t know how he put up with me.” Tokiya’s next laugh is humorless. Sad. He can feel Maru’s grip tighten, just a bit more. “He was an amazing man. But if you really want to see a bit more about him- I do have a few videos. And, Ranmaru was an idol, too. He still had a stage presence, but a bit less than most of the idols, so they might not be too misleading to watch. The only writings that he has that I can think of are his vows. And- well…” Tokiya gets quiet, and his hand curls into Ran’s shirt. His crying hadn’t completely stopped, but he’d end up breaking into sobs again. When he calms down enough to speak, his voice is breaking. “He did write me one letter. It was a few days before… I… I think he knew he wasn’t going to make it. It was a goodbye letter.”

“Would it be easier on you if I did more research on my own?”

“I’d be more than happy to give you what I can but… it… I think it would be easier if I weren’t here. It’s hard to watch the videos. I… I wear his clothes a lot, and even that reminder may be more difficult than comforting sometimes. If you have any questions, I can answer them, but…”

“Of course.” Maru reassures. “Don’t push yourself. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling right now.”

“There’s a lot.” Tokiya admits. “It’s a lot to take in.”

A silence would fall over the two, though they’re still embracing, Tokiya unable to pull away and Ran not encouraging him to. Finally, Tokiya does pull away, mostly to grab a tissue. He uses a napkin from their lunch, trying to clean up his face somewhat, and Maru just watches him. 

“Should I find some of the videos for you?” Tokiya asks quietly, and a bit awkwardly. 

“You don’t have to yet. I’ll watch them tonight, after you go to bed.”

“You… you don’t have to sleep on the couch.” Tokiya almost curls in on himself a bit, worried about how Maru is going to take his suggestion. Maru gives him a smile, his lips curling up just a bit at the corner, and he’d reach over to squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder. 

“I appreciate it, but for tonight I’ll just sleep here. We can talk more about all of this tomorrow. For now- I want to know more about you, Tokiya.”

“Toki.” Tokiya had been thinking about correcting him for some time, but had just now finally decided it was the right time. “You can call me Toki. Tokiya makes me feel like I’m in trouble.” He gives a weak smile. Maru makes an amused, but agreeing, noise. “But I’m not really sure what all there is to say about me. I’m sure you know a decent amount, from the form I filled out.” Maru nods. “But I… I don’t really know who I am anymore.” Tokiya sighs. “This past year, I really haven’t been anyone. ...It’s strange that this is the first thing I think about, but I used to read a lot.” Tokiya’s voice sounds almost musing. “I guess, in short- I’m a single child, and my father left when I was fairly young. My mother forced me into the idol business, and when I was under eighteen I started my idol work as a solo idol named Hayato, who worked under an agency who certainly overworked me. I went to an idol high school, during my Hayato phase, and I went as both Hayato and Tokiya for some time, until it finally became too much. ...And then I met Ranmaru, as the senior of my group- STARISH. We had a no love rule as idols, but Ranmaru and I ended up dating in secret, until his band, Quartet Night, quit, and then eventually STARISH retired, too, and then less than a few years later we got married. He had done a few odd jobs involving his bass, and I had actually done a few solo gigs myself, and then we spent some time just… with each other. And now we’re here. I… I’m a fairly negative person. I don’t take very good care of myself as an overall habit, and I can be extremely selfish, and stubborn. Usually when Ranmaru and I fought, I ended up starting it, and it’s almost always over stupid things. I tend to lie, particularly when it comes to myself, and I tend to put Ranmaru over myself, almost always. And that’s all I can really think to share.”

Maru frowns as a dark expression crosses his face. “You have a pretty low self opinion.”

“Yeah. ...I think that bothered Ranmaru, too. But I’m sure if you were able to ask him that he’d have plenty of good things to say about me. I just… it’s hard to see it. It was hard to believe it, when he told me, too.”

“Then I guess I’ll just have to figure out more good things about you myself. I can tell you right now that, even as heart broken as you are, you seem like a really sweet person, Toki. You obviously really loved Ranmaru. I’m sure he knew that.”

Tokiya’s voice is quiet, and the corner of his mouth lifts, just barely. “I hope so.”

Later that night, they would go out to dinner. Tokiya has much less problems getting to a restaurant when he’s dropped off right in front of it. The dinner is nice- and it does go smoothly. Tokiya could only talk so much about Ranmaru, but he does try to tell Maru a few of the nicer memories that Tokiya has. Maru listens a lot to Tokiya- and Tokiya does more talking than he has in longer than he can remember. Maru seems to be interested in a lot of Tokiya’s idol stories, and he ends up asking quite a few questions about _books_ that Tokiya likes. He gets Tokiya to admit to liking drawing, and even convinces Tokiya to show him a few of his drawings off of his phone. Tokiya gets a bit flustered by Maru’s interest and praise- but Maru does get a genuine smile out of Tokiya during it. 

When they get back, Tokiya has to excuse himself. “I’m sorry that I’m calling it quits so early but-”

“If you’re tired, you should go lie down. I’ll be fine.”

“Let me at least get you a few things I promised. Videos and what not.” 

Tokiya does have to sit on his bed for a moment, before he can even begin to search, but Maru comes up to his still open door. “If you’re not feeling well enough, don’t worry about it tonight.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “It’s alright. ...Actually- in the closet, towards the top, I have a lot of… mementos. Wedding things. The letter. And-” Tokiya shifts, to take his phone from his pocket. “You can take my phone. I have nothing to hide. If you want to look through pictures, and videos on here- to watch idol videos or to look through Ranmaru’s message history to me. I still have quite a few of his voicemails, too, because I never liked to delete them. My code is zero-nine-two-nine. It’s his birthday. ...I know I’ve said this, more than enough times- but you don’t have to do this.”

“I want to.” Maru assures. His patience was something that Tokiya felt he didn’t deserve. “Like I said. If you’re uncomfortable with me being more like Ranmaru, then I won’t. But I _don’t_ have much of a personality right now. It’s forming a little bit, based off of what I know- but it isn’t like I’m changing myself. I don’t have anything to change right now. I’m still under the… order? Instruction? I’m not… sure. But I feel like this is what I’m supposed to do. The only thing that’s going to make me not want to is if you don’t want me to, Toki.”

“...If you’re sure.”

“I am.” Maru takes the phone that Tokiya offers him, and he pockets it, moving to the closet. “I’ll be careful with everything in here. It’ll all be back tomorrow morning, after you wake up.”

“Thank you.”

Maru gives a small, crooked smile. “Get some rest. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.”

When Ran said that he was moldable, Tokiya hadn’t entirely understood just how literally he meant that. The next morning, Tokiya is woken up to the smell of breakfast, which almost confuses him. It had been a very, very long time since that had happened. 

The change was significant. 

“Mornin’.” Maru is in front of the stove, and it’s obvious quickly that he must have gone to the store. Tokiya glances at the clock. It’s nearing ten in the morning. “I’ve got the box on the table. I’ll make sure ‘t put it back when ‘m done cooking.”

Tokiya blinks. It had only been a night, but the air about Maru was much more… Ranmaru. Even his speaking style had begun to match. “...Thanks.”

“By the way.” Maru’s voice is serious, and he’d glance at Tokiya with a matching expression. He’d try to give a smile, but the serious nature seems to weigh it down. The worry. Tokiya is almost surprised how it’s already easier to read Maru’s expressions. He really picked up Ranmaru’s style well. As strange as it felt, as an actor, Tokiya was impressed. “We’re gonna have to fix all of this.” Maru’s eyebrows furrow. “Y’look sick. That’s definitely the biggest thing, but it isn’t the only one. No matter what, I just… we need to get you back on track, Toki. I tried to not look too much at anythin’ else on your phone, but you had a lot of missed calls and messages from your old bandmates. I can’t even imagine how worried they’ve gotta be about you. Although-” Maru’s hand tightens against the counter, his voice almost darkening. “Comparin’ you to what you used ‘t look like- I’m almost tempted to bring you to a hospital. I don’t even know how you’re _standin’_ right now.” Maru sighs, focusing back on his cooking. “We need to fix this.” He finishes. 

Tokiya can’t help the tears, but he tries to wipe them away. He isn’t quick enough for Maru to not notice it, and Maru’s face softens. “Ba- Toki.” He barely reacts to catching himself, but Tokiya doesn’t miss it. Tokiya almost isn't sure if he wanted Maru to correct himself. “‘M not tryin’ to make you upset. It’s just… serious. And it needs ‘t be treated seriously.” Maru glances away. “I’m worried. I was worried yesterday, too. Honestly, even though I was tryin’ to help you then, too, I still feel like I should’a done more. Focused more on it. Felt like I let it slide too much. I just want you ‘t be healthy. I want you to start _living_ again. This is so much 't just throw on you, but this isn't somethin' 'm comfortable moving slowly on. Everything else can take its time, but not your health."

“I think I need to lie down.” Tokiya says quietly, the tears coming too quickly for him to stop. Maru moves, away from the stove. 

“Let’s get you on the couch, alright? I want you ‘t eat.”

Tokiya relents quickly, nodding, mostly because he doesn’t feel capable of standing long enough to argue right now. Not that he could. 

To argue with Ranmaru wasn’t something he could handle right now. 

Maru gets him onto the couch, and it’s all that Tokiya can do to turn to his side, curling in. Maru crouches down next to him, but he can see guilt through the concern in Maru’s expression. “‘M sorry. Is it too much?” Tokiya doesn’t respond, and Maru’s voice softens, though there’s a grim edge to it. “I can’t turn it off, but I’m not comfortable leavin’ unti-”

“Please don’t!” Tokiya sits up, his eyes wide. Maru is gentle, in lowering Tokiya, but there’s an almost panicked expression still settled on Tokiya’s face. “Please don’t leave. ...This is strange, and weird, and a little hard, but I don’t want you to leave.” Tokiya falters, his expression sobering. “Unless you’d like to leave. I don’t want you to feel like I want you to, but I don’t want to keep you if you’re leaving because you want to.”

“I’m not.” Maru admits quietly. “‘N after everythin’ I’ve learned, I _really_ don’t wanna leave. If you want me ‘t stay, Toki, I want to. ...Not that I could leave yet, anyways. Don’t think I’m capable of leavin’ right now. Not ‘til you’re safe from yourself.”

Tokiya’s voice is weak when he speaks, and he can’t quite manage a smile. “I’m still unsure about all of this, but I know that this is something Ranmaru _would_ agree with.”

Maru sighs, though there are too many emotions for Tokiya to really pick out. Maru stands. “You stay here. ‘M gonna go finish breakfast.”

Maru had been nearly done when Tokiya had come out, and only a few minutes later Maru leaves, carrying a plate. Tokiya forces himself to sit up. “I can make my way to the table.”

“‘S fine. Just eat here for now. You’re real pale.” Maru frowns, seemingly overcome by a thought, looking at Tokiya in an almost different way. “...’Ve you had any scares?”

“What do you mean?”

“Fainting spells ‘r spills or anythin’ like that?”

“I really didn’t get out of bed long enough for it to matter.”

Maru sighs, but he hands Tokiya the plate. 

Maru leaves long enough to grab his own plate, bringing it to the couch to eat next to Tokiya. 

“I mentioned this earlier.” Tokiya mumbles. “But I don’t mind if you sleep in the bedroom. I… know it’s really messy right now, but I also don’t feel right, making you sleep on the couch.”

“You’re not makin’ me do anything, Toki. ‘N we’ll see, later.”

They eat mostly in silence, but when Tokiya finally puts down his plate, he leans heavily against Maru’s arm, closing his eyes. Maru sets down his own plate, trying to avoid jostling Tokiya. “You shouldn’t fall asleep like that. If you’re really tired, I’ll help you ‘t your room, alright?”

“...Would you stay in the room?” Tokiya’s voice is soft. He doesn’t open his eyes. “I don’t…” Tokiya’s head ducks, his face brushing against Ranmaru’s shirt. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Of course.” Maru’s response is gentle, but Tokiya can actually hear some concern in his tone, and it hits him how downpat Maru had gotten Ranmaru’s personality- all the way down to Ranmaru’s smallest cues and tell offs. 

Maru helps Tokiya up- which is a good thing, because Tokiya feels unsteady on his feet. He hadn’t eaten much, but with his more regular feeding schedule for the past two days, he feels uncomfortably full. Ran hadn’t encouraged him past _eating_ \- not making Tokiya feel pressured to eat more than he felt that he could, and he put less on Tokiya’s plate than he had on his own- though he made it clear that there was more, if Tokiya wanted it.

But Tokiya still felt sick. He just wanted to sleep. 

Maru helps Tokiya get into bed, pulling the blankets up and over Tokiya. Tokiya settles in- and Maru sits on the other side of the bed, over the blankets. For now, Tokiya doesn’t ask him to get underneath them, though he does shift, to press his forehead against Maru’s thigh.

Tokiya raises his hand from beneath the blanket, and he takes a deep breath in. “Tell me one more time.” Tokiya says quietly. His hand lands on Maru’s thigh. “Tell me honestly that it’s alright, to pretend like everything is fine. That I can pretend like he’s back without being a terrible person, or making you unhappy.”

“I don’t think you’re a terrible person, ‘n you’re not makin’ me unhappy. If you want me ‘t give you an honest answer- I don’t think it’s wrong ‘t pretend. ...I dunno that we can pretend forever, Toki, but for _right now_ , until you’re in a better place, I think that pretendin’ might actually be the safest option. ‘N selfishly- I want this, too. What I want is ‘t get you healthy, ‘n ‘t sit down and really talk about it. ‘N then fer you ‘t decide that you can be comfortable with the idea ‘a me continuin’ to be there for ya. I don’t think I want you ‘t see me exactly as Ranmaru, because I don’t think you’re comfortable with that. But I want you ‘t feel comfortable with the idea that maybe your husband would agree with you- bein’ safe ‘n happy ‘n gettin’ taken care of. As weird as the situation is, ‘n even though I’m a copy- I think we’d both like it, if you could see me as someone else. Someone you found that can take care ‘a you like your husband did. The way I’m sure he still wants you taken care of.” 

Tokiya is silent for a moment, but he nods. “I… I can’t even think of getting to that point yet, but when I can… I think that’s a good… end goal.”

“I’m glad.” Maru gives a pause of his own, and his hand moves, to rest gently on Tokiya’s head. “I have an idea, for now. You were an actor. Would it make you comfortable if ya set a scene for us? ‘T set a couple ‘a… expectations, fer us.” 

“I… anything? Or are there things I should avoid…?”

“Anythin’ you want, Toki. Anythin’ you’re comfortable with.”

“Then…” Tokiya pauses for a second, pressing his forehead more firmly against Maru’s thigh, closing his eyes. “I want to wake up, and I want to pretend like you’re him- angry at me because you’ve come back from a trip and you’ve found that I’ve fallen into my old, dangerous habits. I want you to aggressively dote on me, to force me to get better because I shouldn’t do this to myself.” Tokiya’s voice begins to tremble and break at parts. “I want you to tell me that you care about me, and I scare you when I do this, because you don’t want to lose me. That I need to be healthy so we can be together for a long time.” Tokiya breaks into sobs before he finishes his last sentence, and Maru gently pets through Tokiya’s hair. “If that’s alright.” His voice is weak.

Maru’s voice is gentle. “Trust me, Toki, this is absolutely not too much ‘t ask. Most ‘a it are things I’d be doin’ no matter what.” 

“Will you act like we’re married?” Tokiya’s voice is still weak. Still hoarse. “Will you be affectionate with me? When we start this?”

“I will.” Maru promises quietly. “If that’s what you want, then ‘a course I will. ‘N I’ll keep it up ‘til you can confidently tell me that you’re alright enough ‘t talk about us, ‘n until I believe you’re tellin’ the truth. ...Just… for yer sake, remember that I don’t have any ‘a the memories your husband had, unless they were things I saw last night.” Maru winces. “I saw the texts, though. The last time this happened. Obviously not exactly what he said- but how he told ya you’d better head home from work ‘cause he was comin’ back then. But that’s all I know. So if ya don’t wanna ruin the illusion- don’t get too specific. ‘Course, if you wanna _tell_ me about a memory, I won’t stop ya. I just can’t bring up anythin’ about it.” 

Tokiya nods, sniffling. 

“‘N you want me ‘t go all in?” Maru’s voice is almost a bit wary. “If you want me ‘t go all the way, in actin’ like Ranmaru, I will. But that means I’m goin’ _all_ the way. ‘M not gonna even mention our situation ‘til you’re alright enough ‘t deal with it, or unless you specifically ask me ‘t stop. …’N even then. I’ll stop actin’ if you can’t handle it but I won’t leave you ‘til you’re healthy.”

“I don’t want you to leave at all.” Tokiya reminds. “But I would like you to go all in. ...If you’re comfortable with it.”

“Then when you wake up, it’ll start.” Maru says. Tokiya’s not sure if it’s a warning or a reassurance. 

“I… I’ll mention, too. You can wear Ranmaru’s clothes- I know you don’t have many outfits. I don’t… I don’t mind you using some of his things, or any of mine.”

“I’ll use my judgement.” Maru promises. “I’ll do my best ‘t make sure I don’t cross any lines you don’t want me crossin’.”

Tokiya’s voice is a whisper. “Thank you.”

Tokiya falls asleep with his head pressed to Maru’s thigh. 

When Tokiya wakes up, he’s underneath the blankets- but Maru is, too. Maru does seem to be asleep. Tokiya notices a suitcase, leaning against the closet, and it does help him prepare for just how in character Maru is going to be. Part of it makes him a bit nervous, and the other warms his heart - because clearly Maru was really trying. He’s careful, when he scoots over, to put an arm over Maru’s waist, his head resting between Maru’s shoulder blades. 

Maru’s voice sounds sleepy and slurred, but also stern. “We’ve gotta talk, Tokiya. I’d ‘ve come back a hell of a lot earlier if I’d known how bad you’d gotten.”

“I’m sorry, Maru.” Tokiya’s voice shakes, but he adds more- to make sure that Maru doesn’t think Tokiya’s asking him to stop. “I shouldn’t have let myself get this bad.”

“Yer right.” Maru’s sigh is almost irritated. “But _now_ , you’re gonna listen ‘t me. You’re gonna do what I tell you to ‘til we fix this.”

“Okay.” Tokiya relents. He knows he’s relenting just a bit too easy- taking out of the scene. But Maru is a great scene partner, because he keeps the illusion up. 

Maru turns, careful to not bump into Tokiya, and the back of his hand presses against the side of Tokiya’s face, and he frowns. “God, how’d you let it get this bad, Toki? If you feel half as bad as you look right now-” Maru trails off, his frown deepening further. Tokiya moves to press his forehead against Maru’s, and Maru’s tongue click is gentle, his hand raising to run his thumb over Tokiya’s cheek. “You’re makin’ it real hard ‘t stay mad at you- but I’m not takin’ back anything I said, babe.’M not lettin’ you run yourself into the ground.” A look of pain flashes across Maru’s face, so real that Tokiya isn’t sure if it is or isn’t. Maru pulls Tokiya closer, his forehead staying against Tokiya’s, Tokiya’s body pressed against Maru’s- though Maru winces, properly feeling Tokiya’s state. His voice softens- it breaks. A tone that Tokiya had heard from Ranmaru before in his worst moments. “This is dangerous. I don’t wanna lose you ‘t _yourself_ , Toki. I just wish you’d care about yerself the way I care about you. Seein’ you like this fuckin’ _terrified_ me. The way you feel against me right now, more bone than anything else… ‘m not scared of a lot Toki, but I’m really scared right now.”

Tokiya is full on ugly crying now, and Maru tries to wipe off the tears that he can. “Breathe, babe.” He reminds gently. “I know you’re upset, but you’ve gotta calm down.”

It takes Tokiya a long moment, clinging to Maru by the back of his shirt, so tightly that he’s starting to lose feeling in his fingers. “I’ll try. If you help me, Maru, I’ll try.”

“I will. I promise I will. You’re not gonna get me off ‘a yer back until you’re doin’ better.” Maru and Tokiya stay in bed with Maru rubbing Tokiya’s back comfortingly for a long time. Every once in a while. Maru pulls back, so that he can press soft kisses to Tokiya’s face- his chin, his cheeks, the tip of his nose, his forehead. Anywhere he can reach. “You’ve gotta eat.” Maru says finally. “‘N I’m not takin’ no for an answer.”

“Okay.” 

Maru’s eyebrows lower, and the back of his hand presses to the top of Tokiya’s head. “...I know ya did it ‘t yourself, but I’m still worried. ‘N you actually are kinda warm. Are you feelin’ sick?”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya admits, a bit weakly. “I always feel sick.”

“Then let’s just try to eat.” Maru sighs. “But because you’re warm, if ya really can’t, I’ll give you a pass tonight only.”

Tokiya won’t let go of Maru, clinging. “Will you carry me?”

Maru’s face falls, and Tokiya can’t tell if he has or hasn’t broken character. “Of course I will.” Maru has to bring Tokiya with him as he gets out of bed, because Tokiya won’t let go. Maru sighs. “‘M not happy. With the shape you got yourself in- but I can’t be angry right now, Toki. I don’t think ‘m capable. Not when you’re in this bad of a shape.’M sparin’ you any more of a lecture. I’d rather just focus on gettin’ you better.”

“...If you stay with me, I’ll try my best. But I can’t do it without you, Maru.”

“You’re not gonna. I’ll be right here, every step of the way.”

“If you promise not to be disappointed with me, if I can’t move very fast- then I’ll try.”

“Of course I won’t be disappointed.” Maru’s voice softens. “I know that this comes from dark fuckin’ places, Toki. ‘M only ever angry because I’m scared. Because sometimes I worry that you don’t care what happens to you, but _I_ do. But I know that if it really were just as easy as doin’ it that you would. Because I know that it can’t be fun- when you’re not livin’. When you’re only survivin’. Makin’ it on every day, hurtin’, in pain, ‘n more ways than one… I don’t want that ‘t be your life, babe. You deserve more. You might not believe that, but y’do. I fuckin’ love you, Tokiya. I wish that you could love yourself, too. I wanna help you, until you can ‘n then after.” Maru sets Tokiya down on the couch. “I’ll make somethin’ quick.” Maru kisses Tokiya’s forehead. “I won’t be away long.”

When Maru leaves, Tokiya’s hands move to his head. He really doesn’t feel well, and he isn’t sure why. It’s purely physical- and he knows that. There have been days where he’s felt this bad. Maybe he should have asked Maru to stay in bed- today, it was clear that he’d let him. This scared Tokiya.

Maru comes back, carrying food, and a wave of something akin to upset crosses over him. “I want to go to the table.” Tokiya says weakly. His head is pounding. Maru’s entire attention is on Tokiya, completely lost from the food. He crouches down next to Tokiya, to try to look at Tokiya. “I want to go to the table.” Tokiya repeats quietly. “Please.”

“Toki, babe, I think we should go back to the bed.” Maru’s voice is careful. “You look real fuckin’ pale.”

Tokiya’s bottom lip trembles. He isn’t sure where this absolutely horrible feeling came from, but he feels _so_ sick. “Please let me go to the table.” His sob gets choked off. He isn’t sure why this is so important to him. The normalcy? Maybe the attempt to prove to himself that he can make it? 

“No.” Maru’s voice is still careful, but it’s stern. “If you won’t go ‘t the bed, you can stay on the couch.” 

“I’m fine.” Tokiya’s voice is too desperate- and he stands, but there’s a lost look in his eyes. Maru prepares to stop him on his way to the table, but Tokiya is confused- and that isn’t where he heads. He takes a step forward, in the wrong direction, and he feels a splitting pain through his head. He feels unstable, and he’s aware that he falls forward, and he can feel Maru catch him, but can’t hear Maru say his name.

Tokiya wakes up in a hospital bed, still feeling fairly terrible but not nearly as bad as he _had_ felt. Maru is sitting on a chair near his bed, and there seems to be only the one bed in the room. Maru is quick to notice when Tokiya is awake, and his face is twisted in concern. He had been so quick to notice that Tokiya was awake because Maru had been focused on Tokiya’s face. He frowns, but he stands, his fingertips brushing the side of Tokiya’s face carefully. “God, Toki, you gave me a heart attack. I wish you’d ‘ve told me you felt _that_ sick.” Maru pauses, and his voice lowers. “...I’ll let y’know now that I did cross one ‘a those lines I told you I wouldn’t ‘n ‘m sorry.” His jaw tightens, his eyes closing for just a second before he opens them- his expression apologetic. “If y’need me ‘t leave the hospital ‘til you’re ready ‘t leave, I can, but I did pose as your husband.” His eyebrows lower. “It was the only way they’d let me stay with ya as long as I ‘ave.”

The first feeling that goes through Tokiya is a warmth he can’t stop, spreading through his chest and behind his eyes. Programmed or not- to have Maru this concerned over him struck him hard. Tokiya can’t quite bring himself to move, too tired to even sit up, but he somehow manages to move his hand, and Maru gets the point, taking Tokiya’s hand in his. The bittersweetness of these actions- coming from Maru, acting as nothing but himself, is missing. Tokiya doesn’t think he could force himself to be angry right now- not when Maru apologized for something that Tokiya never would have even thought about. “I don’t want you to leave.” Tokiya’s voice is weaker than he’d like it to be, but it’s a consequence of his current physical state. “I’m glad you were here when I woke up.” Tokiya’s eyes close. “And I do mean _you_ , Maru. I appreciate all you’ve done for me. As short lived as yesterday was, before I scared you, you really did so much for me. You’ve _been_ doing so much for me. I just wish that I was that kind to you.” 

Maru squeezes Tokiya’s hand, his thumb running over Tokiya’s knuckles. “Don’t do that ‘t yourself.” Maru’s voice is almost a bit stern. Maru is careful, but he presses a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, and Maru’s voice softens. “What you seem like yer mostly beatin’ yourself for ‘r things that you shouldn’t. Things that I‘ve been tellin’ you I’d be more ‘n happy ‘t do. You’re real worried ‘bout how I feel about this, and that means a lot, Toki. B you can’t feel bad when _I’m_ the one tellin’ you it’s okay. ‘N everytime I tell you it, I mean it.”

“...I don’t want you to keep acting like Ranmaru.” Tokiya laces their fingers, holding Maru’s hand tightly. “I’m fine with it, for the sake of you staying with me until I’m released- but I… I’d like this. I don’t want you to stop with the care, or the affectionate actions, but I… I don’t want you to pretend you’re exactly him. I’m not sure that’s fair to either of us.”

“I still think it’s a ‘lil too early ‘t have the real conversation about _us_ , but I can do that. ‘S long as it’s still helping. ‘S long as it’s what you want.”

“It is.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do. But fer now- you’ve been out for about two days. ‘M gonna go fetch a nurse ‘n let ‘em know you’re awake.”

When the nurse comes in, they draw blood- though Tokiya has to hold Maru’s hand. Tokiya _hated_ needles.

This wasn’t the first time that they had drawn his blood this visit, so the doctor already has results to speak to him about. Tokiya was unhealthy, is the main thing that Tokiya had gotten from it. He was missing basic nutritional elements in his meals, and Tokiya notices Maru, paying _very_ close attention as the doctor lists off what he’s missing or low on. 

Tokiya hadn’t paid much attention- truthfully just nodding and pretending like he had retained the information. 

Tokiya _could_ be healthy. He actually enjoyed healthier foods- but it had been a while. He had barely held himself together when Ranmaru was sick, only well enough to avoid worrying Ranmaru. 

Tokiya isn’t released for a week- until the active threat of him returning just to faint shortly after is gone. Tokiya hated hospitals, but Maru had warned him that if he left too early and he did faint, he’d be going back.

Even when he is back, Maru makes him take it _very_ easy, the first few days. 

When he had first gotten home, he had been put back into bed. 

“I’ll be back.” Maru promises, kissing the top of Tokiya’s head. “I’ve gotta go grocery shopping.” Tokiya sighs, but Maru just chuckles, brushing the backs of his fingers over Tokiya’s cheek. “It’ll be fast.”

Maru was gone for less than forty minutes, though Tokiya had fallen asleep by the time that he was back. When Tokiya wakes up, Maru is in the bed with him. Tokiya turns, but Maru seems to be asleep. Tokiya moves until his nose brushes Maru’s, but then he closes his eyes again. Maru wakes up slowly, his hand moving to Tokiya’s waist. Tokiya can feel Maru’s breath, hitting his chin, but when Tokiya opens his eyes, Maru’s eyes are already open. 

Maru’s eyes were grey and pink- but it was permanent. The pink was the actual color of his eye. Similarly, his hair seemed to naturally fluff up, not quite as intense as Ranmaru’s, but not nearly as flat as Ranmaru’s hair truly was. It helped, a bit, in Tokiya’s opinion. To have some sort of difference between them.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” Tokiya had answered before he had really considered. He wasn’t entirely lying, though he still didn’t feel great. He still missed Ranmaru- it felt like he always missed him, and he doubted he ever really wouldn’t. But for the first time in a very long time, he managed to feel something that wasn’t _just_ sad- and he thinks it’s because of Maru. All Tokiya could hope was that Maru was being honest- in wanting this as much as Tokiya did. 

“Are you really?” Maru’s eyes narrow. “I don’t want you lyin’ ‘t me. That’s how you got hospitalized in the first place.”

“I’m not that bad.” Tokiya relents, just slightly. “I’m tired, but I believe that’s to be expected.”

Maru sighs, seeming to think. “...Do you think y’can eat?” His hand raises, to press against Tokiya’s forehead. “You’re not as warm as last time.”

In all honesty, Tokiya wasn’t very hungry. But he knew that if he denied, he’d worry Maru, and he realizes that he’s already worried him enough. Tokiya closes his eyes for a long moment, and then he opens them and nods. “I can eat.” He says quietly. 

“Just let me know if you’re startin’ ‘t feel sick or anythin’, Toki. It’s important for you ‘t eat, but makin’ yourself sick is counterproductive.”

“I know. I don’t want to go back to the hospital.” Tokiya’s nose wrinkles. “Hospitals are terrible.”

Maru sighs, but it’s an amused sound. “Can ya walk, or should I carry you?”

Tokiya’s smile is teasing. “Well if you’re offering-”

Maru snorts, but he slips out of bed to head to Tokiya’s side. Tokiya had actually been joking, but he doesn’t fight when Maru picks him up. 

It isn’t until nearly a month after Tokiya had gotten out of the hospital that he approaches Maru, a letter held in his hands. He’s folding it over, his movements nervous. He looked better already- he had started regaining some of his weight, and color had returned to his face. In the past two weeks he had started getting out of bed, moving around more with much less issues- even going on walks outside with Maru, to keep Tokiya from never leaving the house. 

Maru had been on the couch, but he raises his eyebrow when he sees Tokiya approaching him. His eyes fall to the letter and then back to Tokiya’s face, waiting for him to explain. 

Tokiya swallows hard, but Maru is caught by Tokiya’s inability to look him in the eye. Tokiya’s voice is so quiet that Maru has to strain to catch what Tokiya’s saying. “This is going to be the most selfish thing I’ve asked of you yet, I think- but before I ask, I’d like to explain myself.” Tokiya pauses, but Maru stays quiet, letting him get his thoughts together. “I want you to read this letter out loud.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “It’s Ran’s goodbye letter. I… I want to move on. I can’t forget him. I don’t want to, and I’m not willing to- but I… I want to take a step forward. I’d just… I’d like to hear it- and I feel that I’ve stopped seeing you as him, as much as I possibly can- but you… you still have his voice.” Tokiya closes his eyes. “I… I haven’t accepted this as a goodbye. I’m hoping maybe I can now. That maybe I can hear this, and… and let myself have it as a goodbye. To accept that it _is_ a goodbye for now. To believe that I’m not _replacing_ him, by accepting you, and trying to just… keep living. To let you in, and meet Ran again at the end of my life. I’m sorry to ask this- it’s… it’s an apology to you, and to him… but it’s also an agreement to move on but not forget him.”

“If this is what you need ‘t hear, Toki, I’ll do it.” Maru says quietly. “As long as you really believe that this isn’t just gonna be more harmful than helpful.”

“I think it will help.” Tokiya says softly. “I think it’s going to hurt- but it’s hurt every time I read it, too. I’d… I’d never get rid of it- but this… this might be the last time I read it. I’d like to hear it.”

Maru takes the letter from Tokiya when Tokiya hands it to him, but Maru still watches Tokiya’s face closely. When Maru starts reading, Tokiya closes his eyes. 

To Maru’s credit- he does his best to mimic it in the way he thinks Ranmaru wrote it, even though Tokiya’s upset was clearly affecting him. 

_”toki-_

_i love you, and i hope you dont forget that_

_im sorry i couldnt stay with you longer and i wish there was something i could do to change that. this letter isnt going to be anything groundbreaking, but i want you to know a couple of things_

_its not going to be easy for you, but i hope you dont destroy yourself over this. i want you taking care of yourself, for you and for me._

_i dont know what happens after, if anything even does, but as sappy as this sounds, i really think we’ll meet somewhere again, and when we do, i want it to be in a long time from now_

_ive never loved anyone the way that ive loved you. i wish we had longer, but theres nothing i could ever get that would get me to change what we did get. i never thought id ever be the person to get married, but im really glad it was to you_

_you can be happy_

_i know its not going to come easy and i know youre going to be sad for a really long time but i want you to know that i dont want this to keep you from trying_

_youve got a lot of people that really care about you and i know that you can find more_

_stay happy for me, toki_

_i love you_

_Ran”_

Tokiya’s sobs come silently. Maru folds the paper, but before Tokiya can even register that Maru’s stood, his arms are wrapped around Tokiya, the letter folded and set on the table. Tokiya holds onto Maru’s shirt, but it takes him a few long moments to calm down enough for his sobs to quiet into silent crying. He’s sure that there’s a forming damp spot on Maru’s shirt, but he doesn’t think either of them care right now. 

“I dunno if this is going to be a question you can answer.” Maru’s voice comes out grim. “But how are you holdin’ up?”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya admits hoarsely. “It hurts everytime I read that letter- and hearing it wasn’t much better but… I can’t say it was _easier_ , because it wasn’t. I could be the happiest person on Earth and that wouldn’t be easier. But I… I feel better. Better than I did last time I heard the letter- because at least this time I don’t have that extra layer, of feeling like I’m disappointing him.”

“You had it rough, Toki, and lettin’ yourself get that bad isn’t good. I won’t tell you he’d be okay with it, because I know he wouldn’t ‘ve been- but I don’t think he would’a been disappointed, babe.” Maru squeezes Tokiya. “Because losin’ someone you obviously loved that much isn’t somethin’ that’s easy to handle, especially not by yourself. I think he’d understand. And all that matters is right now. I promise you that you’re makin’ him proud.” Maru kisses the top of Tokiya’s head. “You’re doin’ so much better. Unbelievably so.”

Tokiya’s voice comes out soft. “...You know. I still… wonder. I wonder how fair it is to either of you- how we… _met_. But I can also say with complete confidence that _you_ are the only reason I’ve been happy since I’ve lost him. ...Thank you, for reading that for me. It’s going to hurt- it’s never going to stop. But I couldn’t rightfully have a conversation about us until I came to peace with the fact that... Ranmaru _is_ gone.” Tokiya has to pause, to bite hard on his lip. He feels Maru rub his back comfortingly, giving him a moment. Tokiya finally speaks again. “But… I genuinely mean it when I say that I’m ready to have that conversation.” Tokiya speaks quickly before Maru can say anything. “Not right now. Not today. But soon.”

“...I believe that.” Maru says quietly. “‘S long as you’re givin’ yourself a break. You really are doin’ better- but puttin’ yourself through a lot of emotional stress all at once isn’t good.”

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. “But this part was necessary. I promise that we won’t talk until I’m really ready to handle it.”

“I’m real glad ‘t hear that, Toki.” Maru sounds honest, and Tokiya gets another squeeze with it. Maru gives him another long few moments of just standing there, rubbing Tokiya’s back comfortingly, before he speaks again. “What do you wanna do with the rest ‘a our night?”

Tokiya stops, to think about it. “I’d suggest a walk but I don’t think I have the energy for it. But I don’t think I’d mind watching something. I… I do need to put the letter away first.”

“Of course. Why don’t you do that ‘n I can find somethin’ you’d like?” 

Tokiya nods, finally pulling away. He’s grateful, for the moment alone. Just as grateful as he was for the comfort. Tokiya makes it into the room before he feels tears welling up in his eyes again. He closes the door behind him, moving to sit on the edge of his bed, closest to the closet. On Ranmaru’s side. 

On Maru’s. 

Tokiya holds the letter close to his chest, and his voice drops into a whisper. He isn’t worried about making Maru wait too long. He’s sure that Maru knows this wasn’t going to be a quick in and out dropoff. 

“I love you, Ran. ...I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself, for not being there… but I’m trying. I don’t know what you’d think about what I’m doing… but it’s all I can, darling. And if you don’t agree with it… the most I can do is try to make it right by staying as happy as I can manage. I’ll always love you, and I’ll always miss you. It’s never going to be fair, that you were taken so soon. ...But I want to remember you fondly. I want to think of you and smile- because God, all of the time I had with you was some of the best times of my life. But I… I think maybe with Maru, I can still have some more. And I’ll see you again. I know I will. Be it in the after life or a different one. I adore you. Always and forever. But you won’t be seeing me soon. I promise. The next letter of yours I’ll read will be our vows. The beginning, and not the end, right? But I won’t ever forget this letter, either. ...I hope I’ll make you proud, Ran. I… I won’t ever let myself get the way I did when I lost you again. I’m sorry I got that bad. But I won’t focus on that now- because I know you care about me, and I know you want me getting _better_ and not worse. And I plan to keep getting better. For you, and Maru, and all of the people in my life that do care about me. ...I love you, Ran. I love you so much.” 

Tokiya lifts the letter to his lips, and he holds it there for a long moment before he finally stands. He notices something, further in the closet, as he slips the letter into the box. 

He takes the bear carefully, holding it like it was made of glass. 

He pulls it to his chest, holding it tightly for a long moment. He lets out a short sob, pressing his lips to the top of the bear’s head. 

_I love you._

It’s no more than a thought. 

Tokiya slowly puts the bear back, carefully up by the box. He gives a faltering, shaky smile, before wiping the heels of his hands over his eyes. He knows it’s still very obvious that he had been crying, but when he exits back to the living room, Maru doesn’t say anything about it. He does, however, pull Tokiya tightly against him when Tokiya sits down. 

Tokiya often likes horror movies- he also likes mystery, and quite a few documentaries, and often times sad or morbid type of things, but Maru had selected a light-hearted movie. A comedy that sounded like it would entertain Tokiya. 

In the beginning of the movie, Tokiya is still subdued, but as it progresses, he does find his short laughs coming easier- and between both Maru and Tokiya, Tokiya had somehow wound up on Maru’s lap, Maru holding Tokiya tightly to his chest. 

By the time the movie is over, Tokiya is thoroughly exhausted, falling asleep against Maru. Enough that the only reaction he has to Maru lifting him is a tired hum. When Maru lays him down and tucks him in, he presses a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, petting through Tokiya’s hair with his hand. 

It isn’t until two days later that Maru and Tokiya sit together on the bed, facing each other. They both have their legs crossed, close enough that their knees touch. 

“I understand the importance of this conversation.” Tokiya says quietly, his eyes flickering over Maru’s face. “But I have my thoughts straight. I care for you. I’m happy, having you here. I… I care for you very deeply, and in a romantic sense- I can’t tell you I love you yet… I’m… it’s going to take me time for that, I think, and it isn’t your fault in the slightest. But I can tell you with complete honesty that if you leave, I won’t stop you but it… I would be heartbroken, Maru. And not because you look, sound or act like Ranmaru. Of course- with that… I don’t want to keep you with me if you’re unhappy, either. I truly, deeply hope that you aren’t, but I… I will make the same promise to you that I made to Ran, in my… own personal closure, a few nights back. If you leave I won’t… I won’t stop taking care of myself. I can’t do that to you or to him. So I don’t want you to feel obligated to tell me anything but your true feelings because you worry about how I’m going to take it.” Tokiya takes a deep breath. “All in all… I’d like to believe that I’m seeing you as your own, individual person. I think you’re very much like Ranmaru, but I… I don’t actually think you’re nothing but a clone.” Maru never had actually picked up the bass. He had tried, but he just never really had been interested in it- he had nearly apologized but Tokiya assured him he didn’t need to. Maru did, however, find a real interest in painting. In addition to that, Maru had quite the sweet tooth, which Tokiya had found a bit funny, immediately thinking back to his old Quartet Night rivals. The last thing that had seemed like a large difference to Tokiya was that Maru had actually taken quite the fondness for _dogs_. None of these differences bothered Tokiya. “...I like you, Maru. But I do not want you staying, if you don’t want to.”

Maru watches Tokiya silently for a very long moment, before he shifts, moving a bit away from Tokiya. He’s not gone for long enough for Tokiya to feel any certain way about it- at least no more nervous than he had been, before Maru’s lips meet his. 

This wasn’t their first kiss, but it felt like the most meaningful one yet. Maru pulls away, for a few seconds, before going in for another, shorter kiss. He finally settles back down, but he’s closer than he was before and he’s grabbed Tokiya’s hand. “I _would_ say that I don’t feel any differently than I did on the first day- but that’s not really true. The longer ‘ve gotten ‘t really spend with you, Toki, the more real it starts ‘t feel. The more it… confirms it. You said you’d be heartbroken if I left, ‘n honestly, if you asked me ‘t leave I’d feel exactly the same way. If you didn’t feel the same… ‘course I’d respect it- but fuck… it wouldn’t be easy. I wanna stay. I absolutely fuckin’ wanna stay. ‘N while I wanna be here in any way you need me- I’m real glad ‘t hear how you’re seein’ me, babe. …’N honestly… while I don’t wanna leave, ‘m still glad ‘t hear that even if I did you’d still try ‘t care for yourself. ...It really makes me feel better, knowin’ that ‘m here ‘t _support_ you, ‘n not _force_ you.” Maru squeezes Tokiya’s hand, and he smiles at Tokiya, the soft smile getting a smile from Tokiya as well. Tokiya can feel his expression softening. “There’s nothin’ more I want than ‘t stay with you.” Maru finishes. His voice softens, becoming gentle. “...I do love you, Toki. But you don’t need ‘t say it back until you’re ready to. ‘S long as you need, because I’m plannin’ ‘t be here for a long fuckin’ time.”


End file.
